2009

2009-12-31

So very much has changed in the past year. I’ve never had so much on my mind before, and yet I’ve never kept so many thoughts bottled in. There have been many reasons – hedging my bets, and trying to give the (false) impression I’m completely sane certainly played a big part in it for a long time, but I’ve also been keeping busy, and I’ve been in the company of so many friends that will hear me out in person that these things haven’t been quite so necessary as I once felt they were. At any rate though, I’m back at it tonight!

Adopting bad 90’s analogies, Facebook is the memory lane of the information superhighway. Looking back with Courtney on years past via the Facebook time portal, it was immediately evident to her that I’ve changed. Well, my writing has, and my actions have, but the thoughts and attitudes are still perfectly familiar to me, and they do awaken those same old feelings looking back. For a fleeting moment, I relive it all as palpably as I did the first time around.

There doesn’t seem to be a status update on the list that doesn’t evoke a conversation in me. Benjamin Robert Davidson…

“For the excluded possibilities belong to us; they have a right of their own. Therefore, they take their vengeance upon our lives which have excluded them.” – December 31, 2008.

“wants those feelings again” – January 31, 2009. “is going to make it count!” – February 12, 2009. “is alone in the universe tonight” – February 15, 2009. “will never look at the stars the same again” – February 17, 2009.

…and I haven’t. No surprise to me, it seems in a shortlist of status updates that stand out in my mind, the ones about getting my first job out of school, and forging new and lasting friendships with an entire handful of people, all seem to be slipping through the cracks. I must say I’m embarrassed, and in some ways ashamed.

But I was surprised by a serendipitous realization a couple of weeks ago, I received a much-needed Christmas gift to myself, realizing that I was finally (and in fact, many months sooner than I had imagined) thinking back on some of those moments as memories, thoughts I could file away and recall on my own terms, that had finally grown bored of pervasively invading my consciousness at every turn.

So, I’ll try and stand back – what should be on this list? Got a new job – and then another. Responsibilities and education galore there. Became friends with many good people. Bought a new vehicle. Completely overhauled my daily routine and my home environment. Started going back to school. And of course, a new girlfriend, someone far more patient and kind with me than I deserve. Fortunately, later on in the year, she gets some Facebook time of her own!

“Benjamin Robert Davidson grinned that foolish grin today – May 21, 2009.” Courtney, that one was all you! You brought the kind of smile to my face I wasn’t sure I’d ever experience again up until that point.

“Benjamin Robert Davidson Nothing’s going to stop me but divine intervention / I reckon it’s again my turn to win some or learn some / I won’t hesitate no more, no more / It cannot wait, I’m sure – May 31, 2009.” Still, there was an all too evident and enduring struggle I went through this summer.

“Benjamin Robert Davidson has had one remarkable year back in Terrace. May the next bring as much change and challenge as the last. – June 8, 2009.” And I knew it would be a long one. Truth be told, I was lying through my teeth when I invited change and challenge so warmly. I dragged myself into the unknown with much apprehension, and it was a rocky transition I couldn’t have endured without so many wonderful people around me, Courtney most importantly of all.

“Benjamin Robert Davidson is changing the object – June 27, 2009.” And it starts. “Benjamin Robert Davidson is smiling a lot – July 9, 2009.” And it was worth it. “Benjamin Robert Davidson expects you to fill in the blanks between these very fine lines. – August 4, 2009.” The blanks, of course being the frantic chaos in my head upon my return to Ultimate after arriving from Kamloops.

What an adventure it’s all been. Waking up in someone’s arms. Using the word “love” again. Late night talks, emotional outpourings, someone to share my day with when I come home…

I recall telling Eric on multiple occasions when back at BCIT that for me, it really was all about this. Really, completely, and whether I wanted it to be or not, every other effort in my life, education to career to money to athletics to social connections, I related it all overwhelmingly to the quest for a mate, and the foundations of the life that might one day follow from it. This is still true today. This is the one pursuit that I’m certain I will never put on the back burner; I’m so very fortunate to have found someone that I’ve never had to truly fight for, but Courtney, you’ve given me moments of true happiness I will forever treasure, a salvation from an otherwise lonely and troubled world, and I do believe the journey we’ve shared would have been every bit worth fighting for. Thank you so, so much.

Sadly, I forecast plenty of uncertainty in the coming year. How will I top a Valentine’s Day I literally held in the same esteem with the second coming of Christ? Where will my friends wind up after this summer? Will I grow to fear every new school year after your move in the fall? To these, I don’t know.

On the other hand, the more mundane things are out of the way. Aside from moving out of the house, my only major goals this year are to find more time to read and write, perhaps becoming somewhat of an activist where I find the opportunity. My education, my car, my career all seem to be going smoothly enough, and according to plan. This year will instead be all about shaping my personal lifestyle.

The bottom line here is simple. I got through the most heartbreaking moments I could ever imagine last year, and through mostly good fortune, came through the other side with my act just about together. How lucky and how happy I am to have someone share the journey with today, and all the rewards that come with it. I know I couldn’t have done it without you! Happy new year, happy birthday, and thank you for your patience, your insight, your understanding, your tenderness, and for all that you’ve taught me.

And I suppose that goes for everyone else as well (with varying degrees of tenderness, that is!) Thanks for everything, everyone!

Updated Apr 24, 2023 10:58:00pm

Jan 06, 2010 1:18:06am